I have been wondering about the 4 things I wrote in the title for quite some time. My mind seemed to wander and think about sex and why I was so embarassed and other things. Also, the point of self-masturbation came up alot, and even though I didn't masturbate, I became uncomfortable and hot while watching some images online. I couldn't understand what this reaction was. I asked my friends in school and some though it was normal and stuff. They just accepted it. I accepted it as well, for some time, but I've always had the question of "why?", why must I react this way? It seemed normal to be embarassed or aroused at the sight of two people having sex, no?
Well, and i've come along way to be able to write about this, it turns out it is not normal or beneficial. It's actually very harmful and I've come to a realization as to why.
Once again, desteni has helped. I watched a couple videos on sex and the sex system and masturbation, also about rape, but it was a particular video of a destonian giving up masturbation for specific, clear reasons within himself. Furthermore, I began to understand that masturbation is nothing but fucking yourself through your mind, by fucking yourself with pictures. Pictures, drawings, Images, it's all the same.
This was an amazing realization:
I accidentally saw an image of erotism, let's say, even though it was not even eroism, it was just kissing, while browsing on the internet, and then I got all aroused, you could say. But, the pictures I saw were drawn, and I could suddenly see the drawings clearly for what they were: DRAWINGS! It was astonishing, but all the feelings of hotness or embarassment, guilt, shame, and arousment just disappeared. Like poof, and they never existed, it seemed. I just saw that the images were drawn, not real, and therefore, there was nothing to fret or get excited about. First Realization.
Then, a couple days later, I realized yet another thing: It was up to me to decide wheather to become sexually excited or not! It was completely my choice. I could just kind of "push down" the feelings when I felt them "coming up" inside me. They really felt like they were coming up, and then I would, in one moment, just remain here, myself, not controlled, and the feelings of arousement would be gone. Just like that. Second Realization.
Furthermore, I went into realizing that even during sex, it was still my decision whether to let myself be aroused or not. It seems kind of silly now.
I'm here! I'm here! This phrase was what I said when I realized this, and I'm not sure what logical connection that has to my realization, but it is so true, in that moment of me deciding how to direct myself, my body, my mind, I am here. I don't have to be controlled or act the way I was programmed to act.
Everyone should realize these things, and many others which I have yet to see, because masturbation is very harmful. This is desteni info, but it makes sense to me:
When one masturbates, the sexual energy that one creates (since it is created through his mind!!!), gets stored in the huge "mindsystem" field or space. And then, that energy must be acted out somewhere, and it ends up being sent into other human beings to be used as sex energy for rape, since the energy must be carried out. It's like a program that needs to run, it doesn't stop.
When I listened to the sex system as interviewed by desteni, it explained this. But, the system said that the real answer is actually sex, and I think I understand that a little. The system said only that and said that it would take it no further because we, as mind systems, would mess it up and not understand, and fuck up the situation even more inside ourselves and outside.
Either way, the key is not to think about sex or masturabation, or about images, because that enslaves you in the system of sex and masturbation all over again. Kind of like a closed loop that never ends. So, the thoughts need to stop, the images and picture fucking must stop. And this is for myself as well, because I have noticed that my mind makes like, every excuse to go and think about sex, if I let it. So, I breathe, I self-forgive, I write, I apply self-corrective application, and I just STOP my thoughts. I'm in the process.
Thank You for reading!
Polina
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