I have been wondering about the 4 things I wrote in the title for quite some time. My mind seemed to wander and think about sex and why I was so embarassed and other things. Also, the point of self-masturbation came up alot, and even though I didn't masturbate, I became uncomfortable and hot while watching some images online. I couldn't understand what this reaction was. I asked my friends in school and some though it was normal and stuff. They just accepted it. I accepted it as well, for some time, but I've always had the question of "why?", why must I react this way? It seemed normal to be embarassed or aroused at the sight of two people having sex, no?
Well, and i've come along way to be able to write about this, it turns out it is not normal or beneficial. It's actually very harmful and I've come to a realization as to why.
Once again, desteni has helped. I watched a couple videos on sex and the sex system and masturbation, also about rape, but it was a particular video of a destonian giving up masturbation for specific, clear reasons within himself. Furthermore, I began to understand that masturbation is nothing but fucking yourself through your mind, by fucking yourself with pictures. Pictures, drawings, Images, it's all the same.
This was an amazing realization:
I accidentally saw an image of erotism, let's say, even though it was not even eroism, it was just kissing, while browsing on the internet, and then I got all aroused, you could say. But, the pictures I saw were drawn, and I could suddenly see the drawings clearly for what they were: DRAWINGS! It was astonishing, but all the feelings of hotness or embarassment, guilt, shame, and arousment just disappeared. Like poof, and they never existed, it seemed. I just saw that the images were drawn, not real, and therefore, there was nothing to fret or get excited about. First Realization.
Then, a couple days later, I realized yet another thing: It was up to me to decide wheather to become sexually excited or not! It was completely my choice. I could just kind of "push down" the feelings when I felt them "coming up" inside me. They really felt like they were coming up, and then I would, in one moment, just remain here, myself, not controlled, and the feelings of arousement would be gone. Just like that. Second Realization.
Furthermore, I went into realizing that even during sex, it was still my decision whether to let myself be aroused or not. It seems kind of silly now.
I'm here! I'm here! This phrase was what I said when I realized this, and I'm not sure what logical connection that has to my realization, but it is so true, in that moment of me deciding how to direct myself, my body, my mind, I am here. I don't have to be controlled or act the way I was programmed to act.
Everyone should realize these things, and many others which I have yet to see, because masturbation is very harmful. This is desteni info, but it makes sense to me:
When one masturbates, the sexual energy that one creates (since it is created through his mind!!!), gets stored in the huge "mindsystem" field or space. And then, that energy must be acted out somewhere, and it ends up being sent into other human beings to be used as sex energy for rape, since the energy must be carried out. It's like a program that needs to run, it doesn't stop.
When I listened to the sex system as interviewed by desteni, it explained this. But, the system said that the real answer is actually sex, and I think I understand that a little. The system said only that and said that it would take it no further because we, as mind systems, would mess it up and not understand, and fuck up the situation even more inside ourselves and outside.
Either way, the key is not to think about sex or masturabation, or about images, because that enslaves you in the system of sex and masturbation all over again. Kind of like a closed loop that never ends. So, the thoughts need to stop, the images and picture fucking must stop. And this is for myself as well, because I have noticed that my mind makes like, every excuse to go and think about sex, if I let it. So, I breathe, I self-forgive, I write, I apply self-corrective application, and I just STOP my thoughts. I'm in the process.
Thank You for reading!
Polina
Saturday, January 21, 2012
The Best Cruel and Fucked Up Control System Ever!
The best cruel and fucked up control system ever is our economical system and perception of the world. While standing in a line, waiting for my food to be served during lunch one school day, I came to this sudden realization. Whoever created this sytem must be a really fucked up person, but a genious nevertheless. It's so simple, it makes me want to laugh. Just think about it yourself:
What would I do if I wanted to control every single person on this planet, of every race, religion, status etc?
Take away their means of living! Don't give them food or water, no clothes, shelter or warmth! Let them starve and beg me on their knees, and I will have control of them all! Isn't it so simple? And while I'm at it, let me make sure they kill off all the animals and nature, and destroy the earth so that they will be even more dependent on me! That's all I need to do. And that's exactly what happened.
Let me discuss the absurdness of our economic system today. It is kind of like the situation that occured to the Native Americans who lived on the soil of the U.S. so many years ago. They thought that they food, water and land itself did not belong to them. It was the earth's! (The earth belongs to itself lol) Or wait, maybe it was their god's! (whoever he/they were/was) So then, the white man came, and said "This land will be mine! How much do you want for it?" The Indians were appalled, because how could you own land? It was not anyone's to begin with! It was the earth's! So that's what they told the white man. The europeans laughed, and then waged war to take the land. And so they did, and drove back the Indians and destroyed most of them.
How absurd is it to "own land"? It is the most absurd thing of all! Land cannot be anyone's on this earth, because it is the earth itself! It's like a bacteria in my body saying "now this chunk of Polina is mine!" Hahahhaha. Makes me laugh! BUT WE'VE ALLOWED THIS ABSURDNESS TO BECOME COMMON SENSE. It is so normal in our day to "own land", and it is a good thing, means you have money in life, means you're a person to be equalized with. And, the worst thing is that we accept it and allow it to exist. We've made jobs for getting money, banks for storing money, and stores to buy the earth. We've deprived the earth of all dignity, making it our property, our slave, and abusing it in any way possible. We've taken all of those who maintain the earth and co-exist with it, and enslaved, abused, destroyed, killed and eaten them. We've cut off their skin, eaten their hearts, killed their babies, broken off their nails, put them into cages, fed them with paper, hit them over and over and over. We own them! They are nothing but slaves! Nothing but martyrs or property or dumb THINGS. They have no dignity, no life, no self-expression, no food, no nothing!!!! We only love ourselves, don't we???!!
And the worst part is, we abuse our own selves and say that this is normal, and take away our life, dignity, food, water, shelter, clothes and everything else that was there for everyone equally from the earth! We take the earth and we eat it, let it nurture and grow us, and then ask if we exist! We do to ourselves the same as to the rest of the earth.
And I watch and I participate and I realize, but I still stand in that line to get my food like a good student. I am part of the human race, and just as much a monster as everyone on this planet. And will I change anything after writing this? NO, nothing. And that's another realization.
I am changing, i must, if I want to change anything, I must change myself. It is why I'm writing all these things, it is why I do self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application.
Thank You very much for reading,
Polina
What would I do if I wanted to control every single person on this planet, of every race, religion, status etc?
Take away their means of living! Don't give them food or water, no clothes, shelter or warmth! Let them starve and beg me on their knees, and I will have control of them all! Isn't it so simple? And while I'm at it, let me make sure they kill off all the animals and nature, and destroy the earth so that they will be even more dependent on me! That's all I need to do. And that's exactly what happened.
Let me discuss the absurdness of our economic system today. It is kind of like the situation that occured to the Native Americans who lived on the soil of the U.S. so many years ago. They thought that they food, water and land itself did not belong to them. It was the earth's! (The earth belongs to itself lol) Or wait, maybe it was their god's! (whoever he/they were/was) So then, the white man came, and said "This land will be mine! How much do you want for it?" The Indians were appalled, because how could you own land? It was not anyone's to begin with! It was the earth's! So that's what they told the white man. The europeans laughed, and then waged war to take the land. And so they did, and drove back the Indians and destroyed most of them.
How absurd is it to "own land"? It is the most absurd thing of all! Land cannot be anyone's on this earth, because it is the earth itself! It's like a bacteria in my body saying "now this chunk of Polina is mine!" Hahahhaha. Makes me laugh! BUT WE'VE ALLOWED THIS ABSURDNESS TO BECOME COMMON SENSE. It is so normal in our day to "own land", and it is a good thing, means you have money in life, means you're a person to be equalized with. And, the worst thing is that we accept it and allow it to exist. We've made jobs for getting money, banks for storing money, and stores to buy the earth. We've deprived the earth of all dignity, making it our property, our slave, and abusing it in any way possible. We've taken all of those who maintain the earth and co-exist with it, and enslaved, abused, destroyed, killed and eaten them. We've cut off their skin, eaten their hearts, killed their babies, broken off their nails, put them into cages, fed them with paper, hit them over and over and over. We own them! They are nothing but slaves! Nothing but martyrs or property or dumb THINGS. They have no dignity, no life, no self-expression, no food, no nothing!!!! We only love ourselves, don't we???!!
And the worst part is, we abuse our own selves and say that this is normal, and take away our life, dignity, food, water, shelter, clothes and everything else that was there for everyone equally from the earth! We take the earth and we eat it, let it nurture and grow us, and then ask if we exist! We do to ourselves the same as to the rest of the earth.
And I watch and I participate and I realize, but I still stand in that line to get my food like a good student. I am part of the human race, and just as much a monster as everyone on this planet. And will I change anything after writing this? NO, nothing. And that's another realization.
I am changing, i must, if I want to change anything, I must change myself. It is why I'm writing all these things, it is why I do self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application.
Thank You very much for reading,
Polina
The Realization Moment and Self-Freedom
Realizations are somewhat amazing. When you realize something, it happens in one moment. ONLY one moment and you understand it well. In that moment, suddenly, it feels as though you are "here" and "whole", everything is clear. Now I understand, maybe if just a little, what desteni meant when they said "piece yourself back together", because realization is one of those points that pieces you back together. That is as far as I can describe realization, but if you experience it, you'll know what I mean. :D
Also, what comes after Self-Realization is perhaps even more amazing. You have so much control over yourself. I remember hearing that controlling yourself is corrupt in some way, because that shows the presence of the mind, but I'm not sure about that yet. When I realize something, and an action follows, I am able to say "enough, till here and no further", and stop the emotional or physical reaction I am having within myself, due to the clarity of the realization, and my understand of "I don't have to be that way, I can be the way I want to be" That is self-freedom. I am able to take back myself from the mind and direct myself the way I want to. I become equal with the systems of the mind in value and expression.
I am still in the beginning of a long process, so I am confused about many things, and I have realized clear answers toward some things only. This will be a long process for me.
Also, what comes after Self-Realization is perhaps even more amazing. You have so much control over yourself. I remember hearing that controlling yourself is corrupt in some way, because that shows the presence of the mind, but I'm not sure about that yet. When I realize something, and an action follows, I am able to say "enough, till here and no further", and stop the emotional or physical reaction I am having within myself, due to the clarity of the realization, and my understand of "I don't have to be that way, I can be the way I want to be" That is self-freedom. I am able to take back myself from the mind and direct myself the way I want to. I become equal with the systems of the mind in value and expression.
I am still in the beginning of a long process, so I am confused about many things, and I have realized clear answers toward some things only. This will be a long process for me.
Tyranny in my Life
I've lately noticed the tyranny I live in, and found it extremely ironic that I didn't realize until now. In school, we learn about democracy, totalitarianism, socialism, capitalism, communism, dictatorshp, monorchy etc. Ofcourse, if we learn about these things, that only proves that we are a great democracy, right? But, I observed the opposite. Watching my own reactions, as well as reactions of others in my classroom, I totally saw that we were under a dictatorship, in which my teacher was the ultimate dictator, but ofcourse, kind. haha. My family is a dictatorship as well. So is the rest of my life.
When my teacher asks someone a question in class, the person gets all nerveous, unconciously emitting fear toward the expectation, teacher, situation, his insecurity etc. The teacher rules the classroom. They are the adult and leader of the class, as well as "teacher", which has come to mean not someone who teaches but someone who should be honored, respected and always listened to. The teacher knows everything, the student nothing. The student and teacher are definitely not equal. This is completely wrong and needs to be changed in the education system.
Even I am a tyrant and dictator for the dog I walk. I walk with him tied to me. By his neck, a painful thrash from me and he has to obey. It's like I own him, even though I don't, but he does have an owner. The dog is nothing but a slave, maybe the slave is loved, but a slave nevertheless. During our walks, I unconciously dictate the rules, when we will go home, where I want to walk and where I don't, if I should say "good boy" or pull him, it is all my decision. Where is the equality in that? We are not equal as we exist right now. Somehow, the lives of the dogs must be changed. The system of values for "ownership" must also be changed.
With my family, what my parents say, I must obey. I am "under their care" aka they own me. I can rebel, and I do, but they system is set up in a way that children must listen and obey their parents. Obeying someone. We are slave like as children, in most cases. This must also be changed.
Emotions are dicatoring me (lol made up word). Unconciously, really, I didn't notice this until now, they dictate me. A situation arises, and I act like I do because of my emotions. Where is the equality in that? Of course, that is up to me to change, so I am changing it.
The system forces everything that lives in it, humans, animals and even nature to leave according to the system. There is no free choice ever. You live like you have to if you want to survive. It's attrocious. There is no equality and no freedom of choice. This must be changed.
When my teacher asks someone a question in class, the person gets all nerveous, unconciously emitting fear toward the expectation, teacher, situation, his insecurity etc. The teacher rules the classroom. They are the adult and leader of the class, as well as "teacher", which has come to mean not someone who teaches but someone who should be honored, respected and always listened to. The teacher knows everything, the student nothing. The student and teacher are definitely not equal. This is completely wrong and needs to be changed in the education system.
Even I am a tyrant and dictator for the dog I walk. I walk with him tied to me. By his neck, a painful thrash from me and he has to obey. It's like I own him, even though I don't, but he does have an owner. The dog is nothing but a slave, maybe the slave is loved, but a slave nevertheless. During our walks, I unconciously dictate the rules, when we will go home, where I want to walk and where I don't, if I should say "good boy" or pull him, it is all my decision. Where is the equality in that? We are not equal as we exist right now. Somehow, the lives of the dogs must be changed. The system of values for "ownership" must also be changed.
With my family, what my parents say, I must obey. I am "under their care" aka they own me. I can rebel, and I do, but they system is set up in a way that children must listen and obey their parents. Obeying someone. We are slave like as children, in most cases. This must also be changed.
Emotions are dicatoring me (lol made up word). Unconciously, really, I didn't notice this until now, they dictate me. A situation arises, and I act like I do because of my emotions. Where is the equality in that? Of course, that is up to me to change, so I am changing it.
The system forces everything that lives in it, humans, animals and even nature to leave according to the system. There is no free choice ever. You live like you have to if you want to survive. It's attrocious. There is no equality and no freedom of choice. This must be changed.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Realization of Manipulation of a Mind-system
Just now, I experienced possession by a mind-system of fear of bugs and fear of unexpected, as well as family expectation. The consequences resulting injured the bug, left it in lots of pain and fear of survival.
The situation was as follows:
My sister had a bug in her room, and I was called to remove it, or have it killed by my family, since they don't want to bother to remove it from the house. My family knows that I would rather release the bug outside, so they told me, move it or we will kill it. I reluctantly went to remove it. It was sitting on the top of the shades, and I had to stand on a chair to even see it. It went into a crack in the shades, and I became even more reluctant to touch it. When I first saw it, I kind of observed myself going through the different reactions of judging it: did it bite, what kind of effects would it have on me?
Then, my dad preasured me into picking it up, and I made it go on my hand by pushing the it a little. Once it was on, it tried to crawl off alot of times, and I just kind of covered it until I got down stairs, opened the door and flicked it off. I heard the sound of it hitting the deck, a crunching, hard sound, and then I kind of regained my common sense, and returned to reality a little. I realized what I had done. When I looked at it, it could barely move, it's legs were broken, and it was trying to get away from me.
After the realization, I immediately went into pushing myself into self-guilt and sadness, which I followed with self-forgiveness.
This was a very extensively painful experience for me, because when I was doing self-forgiveness I noticed that I had to lean back in my chair, and I felt tensions and aches inside my body that were painful.
I realized that I, when flicking the bug off, was stuck in my mind-fup-system of "scared", "disgusted", and I ended up injuring the being. I realized that I did not act in self-expression or equality and oneness at all, and was instead manipulated by my mind systems, and injured the being. I basically lost common sense. So, I am grateful to the bug, and I ask forgiveness of it, because it was my responsibility that gave him his current condition.
This was a huge realizations as me being life in equality, in self-expression and common sense.
The situation was as follows:
My sister had a bug in her room, and I was called to remove it, or have it killed by my family, since they don't want to bother to remove it from the house. My family knows that I would rather release the bug outside, so they told me, move it or we will kill it. I reluctantly went to remove it. It was sitting on the top of the shades, and I had to stand on a chair to even see it. It went into a crack in the shades, and I became even more reluctant to touch it. When I first saw it, I kind of observed myself going through the different reactions of judging it: did it bite, what kind of effects would it have on me?
Then, my dad preasured me into picking it up, and I made it go on my hand by pushing the it a little. Once it was on, it tried to crawl off alot of times, and I just kind of covered it until I got down stairs, opened the door and flicked it off. I heard the sound of it hitting the deck, a crunching, hard sound, and then I kind of regained my common sense, and returned to reality a little. I realized what I had done. When I looked at it, it could barely move, it's legs were broken, and it was trying to get away from me.
After the realization, I immediately went into pushing myself into self-guilt and sadness, which I followed with self-forgiveness.
This was a very extensively painful experience for me, because when I was doing self-forgiveness I noticed that I had to lean back in my chair, and I felt tensions and aches inside my body that were painful.
I realized that I, when flicking the bug off, was stuck in my mind-fup-system of "scared", "disgusted", and I ended up injuring the being. I realized that I did not act in self-expression or equality and oneness at all, and was instead manipulated by my mind systems, and injured the being. I basically lost common sense. So, I am grateful to the bug, and I ask forgiveness of it, because it was my responsibility that gave him his current condition.
This was a huge realizations as me being life in equality, in self-expression and common sense.
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